Offering advice to someone who is upset or frustrated is a hard habit to break. You hear their complaint and think, “I know how you can fix that.” You proceed to share your wisdom, but this is usually not welcome.

What gives? Unless the person asked for advice, they probably are looking for empathy. It is hard to ignore my instinct to solve problems, but offering empathy gets better results.

Reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. helped me understand why this is the case. A complaint is the expression of an unment need. Until the person knows that you understand what they need, they are not likely interested in any help you have to offer.

If you find yourself complaining, what is your unmet need?