When you receive critical feedback, it is easy to become defensive. Are you defending what you did because you think the result is as good as it could be…or do you feel the need to explain why you did the wrong thing, even though you agree the outcome could be better?

When you focus on why you did the wrong thing or have a goal focused on “not doing” something, you are more likely to do it again. It is better to focus on the action or behavior that you want.

If you have trained a dog, you have seen the problems of a focus on “don’t do that.” When you tell a dog, “don’t eat that,” they will eat it. The concept of “don’t” escapes them. Instead, you say “No!” to get their attention, then say “leave it”, “drop it” or “come.”

The primitive part of our brains is like this, too. Our rational brain can translate “don’t do it” into a different action, but the primitive part drops the don’t; you end up doing the opposite of what you want and wondering why it happened. When you focus on the action you want, no translation needed.

Do you focus on what you are trying to avoid or what you want?