When I was editing my listening update blog post, I shared it with Trish for feedback. We then had a great discussion around conversational habits, especially the ones that frustrate us about ourselves.
The biggest mistake a lot of us make is that we explicitly relate to what someone says.
Friend: “I can’t focus, I got no sleep last night.”
You: “I know what you mean, I am so exhausted.”
You think you are validating what they said, but it puts the focus on you. It’s such a missed opportunity. If you want to be a great listener, you need to “echo” what they said.
Friend: “I can’t focus, I got no sleep last night.”
You: “You must be exhausted! How I can help you?”
Keep the focus on them until they feel heard. After that, they will likely put the focus back to you. If so, you can share the wisdom of your experience. If not, they are probably not ready to listen to you anyway.
Is your default behavior to echo or relate?
I sometimes feel the rising of … oh let me play let me play I know about this too. Lost in my thoughts of how I have similar concerns or challenges then offing advice which I’m obviously not taking for myself
Listen. Be their Echo……. keep hands and feet still … echo back so they know they’ve been heard.
They can Listen to themselves until they’ve been heard .. Echo.
Got it! Very cool.
Lovely concise description of a common problem. I find this particularly difficult as I have a default mode of letting the other person know I have the solution to their problem and a need to let people know – making it more about myself.